THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT❤️ PT 2. : CROSSING BOUNDARIES

 These days I've been struggling to let my voice break the way it's supposed to. 

These days, I've been feeling like a spectator in my own life.

I've been hiding from my shortcomings, watching the nostalgia kick in.

I remember how I tore my clothes to stop you bleeding but nothing ever stopped you from leaving.

I've been sad. I've been angry.

I've been struggling with consistency, as usual.

When people say they're heartbroken, usually they mean someone they care about has hurt them and they can't get over it.

When I say I'm heartbroken, I mean I failed myself. I mean someone who should have no relevance has made me feel bad.

I'm always on the recieving end of betrayal. I'm always at fault. 

Why do I keep letting people take me for granted?

I trust the wrong people and let my trust issues ruin the relationships that should have been perfect.

Billie Eillish once said "I ruined so many beautiful things just because I was sad" and I felt that.

I'm not one to stand in a crowd. I blend in. Not because it's where I'm meant to be but because I'm scared.

I took a leap recently. One I almost regretted.

I signed up for the one thing I never thought I would. Public speaking is not my forte. I've always said I was more of a writer than a speaker. But I'm in school now and I'm surprising myself. 

I practiced and practiced and suffered from one or two anxiety attacks. I was prepared. 

I watched every single person grace the stage and took deep breaths. My turn came before I knew it.

I started, I stuttered, I continued and stuttered again. I took deep breaths and finished as quick as I could.

Now, my team won this debate. We got first position. But that's not the point.

The point is even though I was far from perfect, and I felt sad. Looking back at it, I feel so proud of myself. I feel elated. I crossed the boundaries I set for myself. I left my comfort zone. 

I ignored the knots in my stomach, the hand tremors and the unrelenting voice in my head. I defied the laws of anxiety.

A sign of growth and a great start to my journey.

"I've decided to let my voice break when it needs to. I've decided not to let my anxiety define me. I've decided to accept my successes and work on my failures. I've decided to keep smiling, not for you, but for me"

80% of the time, I'm not happy, but I can be.

I'm not perfect but I'm proud of how far I've come.

I pushed through just to write this, to update you guys on how I've been doing. 

Feels like old times , doesn't it?

Till I feel inspired enough to write something again.

Bye.