The Desire To Feel❤

 

THE DESIRE TO FEEL.

-Grace Adebayo.

         For a while now, I’ve been feeling very unemotional. And not like in a heartless way so to say. I’ve been feeling numb not physically though. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. A lot of stuffs have happened in these last few weeks. I expected myself to at least show some emotion but I couldn’t. It felt like……..nothing. Actually, I felt nothing.

         I wanted to at least have a mood but I couldn’t. Then I came to conclusion. I’ve gone numb. It felt so surreal, so weird and bizarre. I wanted to deny it. Wanted to hide under a chair or something and say it wasn’t true but it actually was. I kept it in for months. Thinking maybe if I ignored it, it would go away. I even almost concluded it was maturity creeping in but it was much more than that.

          Being the experimental person that I am, I’ve been trying to hurt myself. Not physically but emotionally, trying to make people hurt me or insult me so maybe I can actually feel something. It felt so silly of me but I wanted an answer. I did so many experiments. I still felt nothing.

It was until a week ago when some rough things happened in my life that I confirmed it. I’ve been really hoping for something for a long time now, and I found out it didn’t work. I wanted to yell, cry or scream or at least feel something but I couldn’t. My parents looked at me expecting me to break down but I didn’t. I just shrugged and excused myself. They thought I went to cry but I didn’t, I went to reflect. I went to reflect on myself.

What was happening to me? I asked myself.

Not to lie, I was scared. It sounds so weird, you know? Not being able to feel emotional pain. It sounds hard to believe, you know?

I wondered who I was gonna tell. I thought of my best friend, nope, that’s a no. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want someone lecturing me. I felt so alone, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed keeping it to myself. I mean ‘the best kept secrets are the ones you never share’.

Yet here I am, writing about it. What am I even doing?

But you know what? I kinda feel better writing about it. Telling everyone, I mean. It’s passing a message to every one of us.

Deep down, we all want to feel pain. We just don’t talk about it. Within us, we want problems to happen. We all want someone to be by our side when we’re sad. We want to cry. You might not believe it but search within yourself. You’ll see it’s true.

Actually we all want to cry, feel sad and be on our own, we want to experience pain. And the thing is its okay to feel like that. It’s a part of us. It doesn’t mean you’re weird or anything. It just means that we long for it.

It’s good to talk about it. Don’t feel bad about venting on it.

We long for ‘THE DESIRE TO FEEL’ coz we’re humans.

And we shouldn’t feel bad about it.

OKAY! BYE!